I know this might seem dramatic. I know so many of you are like “Nobody thinks its ok for adults to date teenagers!” But I’d be willing to challenge that assumption and say, “YES YOU DO!” Why do I know? To clarify my point, I need to bring up a situation that happened recently.
I have a friend. He is about twenty years old. He is constantly posting very dumb things on Facebook, and I am always commenting on them telling him how immature, sexist, or just plain ludicrous it is. Recently, he posted this:
Now, this isn’t that crazy or insane, and I am aware. But I messaged him and told him that it was intense for a guy his age to think this was normal. He is young and shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on a relationship. He proceeded to tell me that he has been in a relationship for a few months and its been going well. I was immediately skeptical. It was odd, not because he said he had a relationship, but because I had no idea it was happening. He is the kind of person who posts everything on social media. He thinks that his random 4 am musings are relevant. But not a single peep about this girl on social media. I begin to question him. Why do they never post picture? Why do they rarely tag each other? Why is this the first I’m hearing about her? He claims that they just don’t like using social media and use Snapchat mostly, which is an even bigger red flag (snapchats lasts a few seconds, and stories a few days). I understand people not wanting to post their relationship on social media, but if you knew him, you would think something was very wrong. Every other relationship he’s had, he’d post a picture with the girl, talk about her all the time, etc. It was just uncommon. And it started to seem like he was trying to hide something.
If you haven’t guessed, the thing he was trying to hide was that this girl is seventeen years old. And a bunch of you literally just decided that I’m overreacting – I’m willing to bet. I had a conversation with a few people after this revelation. Surprisingly, most people are completely fine with an almost 21 year-old dating a 17 year-old. “I was 14 when my boyfriend was 18” someone would say. “I dated much older men as a teenager.” Another would comment. “Men are more immature than women as teens” the general public might assert.
But no, they are not. At least, not because they are incapable of maturity. Not to bring personal anecdotes into this, but when I was 17, 14 year-old girls were gross. When I was 20, 17 year-old girls were gross. Now, I don’t think its too large of a leap to assume that a normally developed 20 year old should also think that undeveloped 14 year old girls are gross (gross may be dramatic, but lets say “unattractive” instead). Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t think so.
What I think is happening is that society has somehow decided that its ok for adult males to date teen girls. Try having a conversation with someone about this topic. It’s normal for a 20 year old male (A verifiable adult) to date a teenaged girl. But what if it was reversed? 20 year old girl dating a teenaged boy? They will immediately say something along the lines of “that is weird” because, in their heads, there is no reason a 20 year old woman would in interested in a 17 year old boy. And there really isn’t. But why should it be the other way around?
This issue is made starker when you view it in terms of life position. The way a high school student thinks is much different from the way a high school graduate thinks. The things that they need to think about are drastically different. And I’m not even including college in the mix, which many young men are in at that point.
It’s weird. And these young men are, in fact, young men. They are pretty much adults, and they are fully aware of their position and power over teenaged girls. And we accept that. Why do we, as a society, decide that older men dating younger women is acceptable? I’m not talking about when both people are adults and don’t have power dynamics in the way. I’m talking about when there is a clear issue.
Why do we think this is ok? I quite honestly think the “maturity” argument is ridiculous. The men who I know who date women in that situation tend not to be “immature” as much as they are manipulative, emotionally unstable, or just lazy.
Why date a woman your age, or at least in the same life stage as you, who will challenge you to be better, when you can date a teenager who doesn’t know any better? By virtue of you not being in high school, or being in college, you are already better than every guy she could possibly know. Why would she push you to be better when you are already drastically “better” than her other dating options? What sort of personal development do you feel you need to do when you can easily get a young girl to fall in “love” with you without even trying?
This barbaric practice needs to stop. Young men should not be finding girls to be romantically or sexually attractive. One thing I learned as I matured is that I thought I was a lot more mature than I was as a teenager. These young girls are being taken advantage of by these boys who know for a fact that they have the upper hand. Why do we justify this behavior? Why do we think this is normal? Where do we draw the line?
It’s, quite frankly, disgusting. The more I think about it, the more I feel grossed out. The more women say “but I did it” or “but he was pretty immature” the more I say “Why is it acceptable for men to be more immature?” I know plenty of men who were not “immature” for their age. It’s not “normal” for men to be immature – it is just a societal construct that men are immature. Why do these “immature” men get a pass? why are we not calling them out on their immaturity?
Immaturity is not the reason we allow this. We allow this because we have a misogynistic society that doesn’t care about men taking advantage of young women. It doesn’t care about telling women that their role is to allow weak, immature men to control them. It’s disgusting.
Let’s smash these ideals. Tell men its not cool to date someone so young. Stop making excuses that minimize then men’s decisions and make it the woman’s responsibility to make the right choice. We need to make sure that young women understand that older men who are interested in them have something wrong with them. We need young men to realize that the is something wrong with finding a teenaged girl attractive. We need to break down these dangerous and oppressive relationship ideals and show young people that there is a better way.
We need to teach women that one of the signs of an abusive relationship is for a man to be attracted to a young girl. It shows that he is interested in dating someone he has a clear power advantage over. We need to stop this foolishness. Call out your sons, brothers, cousins, nephews, friends, colleagues, etc., who do this sort of thing. It is not normal. It is not cool.
Change the world.
Sean Conklin 